I was working on an iPhone/iPad app I help to manage for the International House of Prayer, and I saw this video titled: Should I go To College if it's the End of the Age. They must get this question quite a lot if they make a Q&A video about it! Their answers are very steadied and I don't disagree with anything they had to say on the subject, but this did get the wheels turning in my head. I thought the best way express some of those thoughts are to write a letter to my younger self and let you read it, and thankfully, on my blog I don't have to be as politically correct!

Dear 17-year-old Joanna,

Now that we're married with a husband, a full-time job, two-dogs and a house, I thought I'd let you we got here, and some tidbits of info that would have been helpful along the way. I know right now, your plan is to graduate high school early and go to Lausanne, Switzerland for a YWAM DTS and go to the foreign mission field. I don't want to ruin the surprise of how the heck you're still in your hometown 10 years later, but here's the tidbits of advice I promised.

1. You don't know what you're called to, and that's okay. This idea that a 17-year-old person knows what they're "called" to do just isn't reality. Think about the Bible. None of those guys "knew" what they were called to, how it would play out, or what it would look like. Think of Joseph: he has a vague dream and no idea what it really means... and that's totally okay! It's not about the definition, or the destination, it's about the journey. If you commit now, 17-year-old Joanna to the journey, then everything else is going to work itself out in the Providence of God. Take the opportunities that come your way, try different jobs, learn what you like and what you don't like, work on your skills, become a better person, keep your heart open to the Lord and don't hold too tightly to your expectations because it NEVER turns out the way we think it will.

Give your twenties to new experiences, to learning and growing, to being prepared for who the Lord is forming you to be. When people (and trust me, they will) try and get you to do something like get "locked-in" and "commit for the long-haul" or ask you to make "10-year commitments" to an organization or ministry when you're 20 years old, politely say "NO." Maybe they'll make it spiritual, about God or whatever, and that's okay, they mean well, but they're not investing in the long-term maturation of your character, life experience, and destiny in God. Let God lead you, and learn all you can. In your 30's you'll start to get more clarity as to what to really put your hand to. Don't rush into it.

2. College is not the devil. I know you just want to be "sold-out" for Jesus. You want to give him everything. You want to be prepared for the end of the age. I know Jesus may come back before you graduate. I know. But the truth is college isn't the devil. It may or may not be right for you, but don't throw it out of the equation. God's called you to great things, and like I said in #1, you really have no idea what that looks like yet. Many of those "great things" may require some higher education, vocational training, foreign languages, or a master's degree. Who knows! But think "big picture" not just, "why am I paying money to sit in a class with these heathens!" It may be hard work, take perseverance and resistance to temptation, but in the long run, it really may worth it. Ask the Lord about it.

3. Debt kind of is the devil. Now this I've sorta learned from your future husband. Repeat this after me: "Debt is BAD!" Why are you so horrified about college, but not about debt? If your back-up for when God doesn't provide for your missions trip is to charge it on the CC, first of all, you're not learning the God-provision lessons, and secondly you're creating some bad habits for the future. God is a provider, he LOVES to provide, but He also wants you to have a job right now kiddo because working hard disciplines your will and keeps you out of a lot of teenage trouble. The borrower is servant to the lender, and if you're having to borrow, you need to stop and figure out what's going on, cause something ain't right.

Now I know you may think this contradicts #2 about college because, hey, college is expensive. You may need to get a student loan, but you don't have to go to that $20,000 a year college, and you don't need to buy a car and tour Europe on your student loans. You don't need a new mac for school, a $300 netbook really will work. You do not want your future hog-tied to endless payments. Trust me.

4. Beware of tattoos, felonies and other short-sighted decisions. Sounds like a joke right? I'm not kidding. When you're 20, hand tattoos may sound like a great idea, but they may not be. Remember how #1 about not really knowing all that you're called to be and do...well think about that when you make decisions. Sure, at 17 you may not be able to fathom getting a job in corporate world, or becoming an elected official, but that may change in 10 or 20 years. The Lord has a lot for you. Just like debt, you don't want your destiny saddled with the vestiges of your adolescence (go look up vestiges) that may prevent you from taking a job, holding office, or being able to travel to a foreign country.

More soon, but I hope this helps,

Future Joanna.

I recently finished a [written] interview with All About Worship [.com] on worship leading at IHOP, being married to a rapper, and my new album. You can read it here. I'm not going to lie, it took me forever to finish, and I rewrote everything about 3 times. It's one thing to write a post on my own blog where I feel known and loved, with hundreds of wordy posts that give context to who I am and what I'm blabbing about, it's something else to write an "interview" to an audience that probably hasn't heard of me at all. Being able reread and edit, while still trying to sound like it's something I'd actually say if we were having a conversation was a little difficult. Being sincere is one of my life values, and as I was working on this, I was reminded why.

And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and all discernment; That you may approve things that are excellent; that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ. Philippians 1:9-10

Sincere.

I want to be sincere in everything that I do. Another word I substitute for that is "authentic." I want everything that I do and say to be filled with authenticity - something that's real to me. Not just conjured or made-up, or what I feel like I'm supposed to say, feel, and express. I want to be real, yo. I think this is something that many people in my generation hold as a value. They've become disillusioned with parents, mentors, pastors or leaders in the body of Christ for putting on a facade and pretending. They're tired of being sold a party line or a bill of goods. They're looking for sincerity, for reality and it's become our rallying cry. But in the quest for reality, we've missed the second part...

Without offense.

Have you ever heard someone say something offensive, then shrug it off saying, "I'm just being real!" I love how this verse follows with the prayer that we would be without offense until the day of Christ. That in our quest for sincerity, we would not sacrifice the bond of brotherly love and preference toward another. It's a balancing act for sure, and it is especially hard for me, maybe not in writing - but definitely in person.

You see, I have a problem with my words. I don't know when it started - it's as if it's always been there, even as a small child. But when I feel backed up against a corner, or feel strongly about something, I have a tendency to whip out my sword, and trust me, it's not the Bible. This secret weapon is the word of my mouth. And let me tell you, when the verbal sparring starts, somebody's getting slashed and it is not me. Many times, I have been so absorbed with the "truth" being said, that I've had zero regard to the delicacy or diplomacy of my delivery. I am hopelessly black and white, and for years, I felt like somehow this justified my behavior. Combine an analytical mind, a little discernment, and a sharp tongue, and you've got a pretty ruthless combination. This little habit of mine can stay under wraps for a while, but would eventually manifest itself in my job, ministry, friendship, and then...yep, you knew it was coming, my marriage.

Marriage has a peculiar way of revealing the heart like, um instantly, and it just isn't nice to verbally decimate your spouse. Most people don't respond well to verbal attack, and especially not my husband! He even has a special word for it, but I won't tell you what it is. Needless to say, I've had lots of practice in the past year on loving and honoring with my words, while sincerely communicating how I feel and what I think, and it has been the gift of the Lord! He knew what was lying dormant in my heart and that it needed to get dealt with. I've got a few posts up my sleeve on how the Lord uses covenant marriage relationships to prune/sharpen/reveal/expose/undo/reshape/redeem/restore - but I'll save those till later. I do want to share some of the keys the Lord gave me in the process:

1. Take Some Time

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19

Do you remember in You've Got Mail (cause who hasn't seen that movie right?) where Kathleen Kelly [Meg Ryan] wants to say exactly what she thinks in the moment but can't seem to find the words, and Joe Fox [Tom Hanks] explains that he can and does, but lives to regret it? Well I am Joe Fox. Many times, stuff comes flying out of my mouth that I just wish I could take back. But I'm learning (just learning, not mastered) that before I let the Queen of Snarky come out of her hidey hole, to take a few minutes to breathe, and relax before firing off that email or breaking out my verbal machete. Quick to listen, slow to speak. Deep breath. It really helps me.

2. Have Graceful Speech, Seasoned with Salt

Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. Colossians 4:6

For a while, I think I interpreted this Scripture like I could just throw some salt in there, and if it got in some wounds, well that was too bad. I don't think that's what it means. But it also doesn't mean having an answer is wrong - it doesn't say "Mum's the word" and we should be quite and demure all the time. Jesus had a lot to say, but he had grace upon his lips, and we should too. So many times I pray that my words would be filled with "grace and flavor" instead of a "harsh and hurtful" M.O.

3. Speak the Truth in Love

...speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. Ephesians 4:14-15

I mentioned that I'm pretty black and white right? I have been in situations where something needed to be said to an individual: maybe they were manifesting glaring, obvious, harmful issues or behavior, or a situation was biblically, morally, ethically what-have-you wrong. And whether they were non-confrontational, or didn't want to commit to the pastoral follow-through, for whatever reason, "leadership" in the situation never confronted the individual and the result was irreparable harm to their personal life and walk with the Lord. Those are the places in my heart that I have the most difficult time walking in forgiveness towards leaders. Oh how it pains me.

There are times as a leader, in whatever capacity, or in relationship that you will need to speak the truth to your friend, your spouse, or your flock. It may be difficult and uncomfortable, but it is your God-given responsibility and cannot be shirked by being "slow to speak." That's an inappropriate application. Whether it's speaking the truth against deceitful teaching as this verse is referring, or speaking the truth to deceitful lifestyle or heart posture, this is something we're mandated to walk out. But it's truth in love and boy does that make all the difference. Walking in love isn't something that you can just decide one day to do, it takes prayerful pursuit to walk out more and more.

Called as a messenger, struggling with the delivery?

Maybe you're like me. Feel called to be a messenger, long to be authentic and sincere, but struggle at the "without offense" part. Or maybe you've spent so much time trying to avoid offending others that you've lost the authority and uniqueness of your own voice. It's important to remember that God has called us to be both sincere and without offense. There's no place for either robot yes-men, or renegade verbal assassins.

A few nights ago, I was playing my piano and singing and worshiping when suddenly it hit me: the aching, sobbing, heartbreak of longing. I started crying, "What if I never get there in God. What if my lifestyle, my job, the way I spend my time, my house, my spouse, my dogs, my apathy, lethargy and laziness, the weakness of my frame, the cares of this life, and all the things that could, get in the way of my pursuit of the Lord!"

My husband found me there in a puddle over my piano and held me while I sobbed.

Days later, the overwhelming emotions of the moment are gone, but the constant desire to be near to the Lord remains along with lingering questions about how to go about that, and fears that it may never happen.

I am going to be 26 in a month, and I remember like yesterday when I moved to the House of Prayer almost nine years ago. I was a wide-eyed 17-year-old looking upon that time of my life as the commencement of my pursuit for the knowledge of God. I remember vividly our prayer room "day of consecration" in our internship. My friend Abbie and I sat beside each other for 12 hours, and at the end of our day, we were crying and still weren't ready to leave. It was a precious time where every sermon contained some nugget of revelation that I was eager to receive, when all I wanted was to be like Mary of Bethany wasting my life at the feet of Jesus. When I imagined myself 10 years later, it was such a glorious thing because surely I would be so close to the Lord.

The years have been good, but they've also been hard. I've learned a lot of things, and much of it has been the hard way. I've learned that a ministry didn't save me, Jesus did, therefore I live for Him alone. I've learned that people make mistakes, and the mercy I don't give is the mercy I don't get (thank you Kevin Prosch). I've learned that just because I have a particular gifting, or personality, everyone else doesn't have to suffer because of it. I discovered that I didn't miss out on anything by pursuing Jesus instead of college, or my career, relationships or influence. I didn't miss a blessed thing.

I've gone through financial debt, depression, health problems, broken heart, being completely misunderstood, making an ass of myself, and feeling totally disqualified from the call of God. I've also experienced healing, restoration, deliverance, supernatural encounters, favor and provision.

I have learned so much about the end times (Escatalogy) and the theology of Jesus (Christology), I've gained immense practical ministry experience, led worship for countless hours in corporate worship settings with full band, and by myself in prophetic spontaneous worship, I've prayed for people and have seen them healed of physical ailments and delivered from real demons. I've had dreams, and seen them play out on the news, and I've given specific words that have come to pass. And I know countless others just like me. And the frightening reality is that dozens who have experienced the very same thing now find themselves in a stagnant form of religion denying the power of God that is available. And I really really really don't want that to be me.

What I'm most worried about isn't sin necessarily. I've been in sin before, I'll probably (although hopefully not) be there again, but whatever that sin was, it always ate at me. My conscience troubled me into repentance. Willful disobedience to the Lord is just really a very unpleasant experience. No, what I am more worried about is the complacency of the mundane. For me, the great difficulty is faithfulness - no more than just faithfulness, more like taking ground in the day-to-day.  When you're living out your life, most of the time it just doesn't seem that glorious. Most of the time, I feel like my life consists of working, laundry, cooking, cleaning, trying to remember something I wanted to do or was supposed to do, more cleaning, working on the house, letting dogs outside, and back inside. When I do get a chance to read my Bible, pray deliberately, and worship, much of the time I feel like I'm fighting with my brain to get some space back to devote to the Lord, and trying not to simultaneously make my grocery list.  I want to be watchful that the complacency of the mundane doesn't drown out my passion for the Lord!

There are many scriptures that deal specifically with this issue, I will just list a few that bring my attention to the reality that many people will become jaded with life, their love for Jesus will grow cold, they will worry and be consumed with anxiety, and the pursuit of wealth.

• "Be on guard, so that your hearts will not be weighted down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of life, and that day will not come on you suddenly like a trap" Luke 21:34
• "Because lawlessness will increase so much, the love of many will grow cold."  Matthew 24:12
• "The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful." Matthew 13:22

and like I said, I really really really don't want that to be me. (Part of me wants to detour briefly to the subject about how the Humanity of Jesus gives so much dignity to our own often mundane human experience, but I'm going to save that one for another blog post.) For now, I'll leave you with this message from Dana Candler from a few weeks ago about Renewing our Pursuit for the Knowledge of God, which is what I'm doing right now too.  I'm not giving up on that desire of fellowship and abiding with the Lord, and neither should you.

I went out to our backyard today with the puppies and took a look at our yard. If you've ever seen the movie, Secret Garden, then you can imagine what it looks like - it's the "before" shot. We moved into our house over 7 months ago - just days before our wedding (something I don't recommend to couples) and realized very soon that our house had been vacant for some time. Turns out, it was around 18 months.

The Friday we walked in, there was a green film of mold on almost everything, it was musty, dusty and humid. The outside wasn't much better. If you drive by, you can still see that our house has an animal print paint job, with patches here and there. Our acre yard was positively overgrown with all sorts of trees, bushes, weeds, ivy, and grape vines. There were frightening out-buildings, and penned enclosures on each side, and a few of the trees had died and looked like corpses standing in the yard. Our gutters leaked, flooding our basement with 7 inches of water in the first rainstorm.

We spent much of the summer trying to get this house in shape. Tearing down 6-foot fences, hauling out an old trailer, burning brush and a rotten wood pile, clearing out railroad ties along the fence (how Jason and our puppy discovered the yellow jackets). We scaled the roof, replaced appliances, and a toilet, removed layers of wallpaper, patched and painted walls, pulled up carpeting, and removed cupboards. We learned a little about plumbing and carpentry, stain removal and upholstery, painting and refinishing. About enough to get us in some serious trouble.

Some days our house looks pretty good, in a certain light, but sometimes the cleaning and renovation just makes a bigger mess for the time being (like what I've currently done to our hall bathroom).

But working on this, our very own house, has given me such a greater appreciation for the necessity of the progression of time to bring about change. It just doesn't happen overnight. I see it's application not just in our house and our yard, but in my life too. Sometimes I feel like my internal development and this house are running parallel.

Being married has brought about a whole slew of new "things" I have to deal with in my heart. Some good things, innumerable not-so-good. I knew that would be the case, but we were so stressed leading up to our wedding, it was easy to look to that date, May 1, as the day that would make everything in our lives finally land in perfect harmony. We didn't realize that it would be the day we had to really start working for it.

I so wanted to be the perfect wife, with the perfect heart responses at all times, proficient in cooking and cleaning, kind and compassionate, angelic really. I tell J, I had these expectations that we'd spend our evenings before a roaring fire playing chess, or reading aloud some classic literature and the Bible. That we'd get up early and watch the sun rise, have matching tool belts and twin drills to renovate our house together at every opportunity, work together to hone our cooking skills. We'd mature into these well-rounded people basically overnight. In our perfect house, where there lives a perfect couple, who are individually perfect people. Surprisingly, it hasn't happened quite like that.

I am pretty impatient. I've prayed that the Lord would help me be that Proverbs 31 woman that all of us are supposed to be on Day 1 of marriage. I wanted the Lord to look at my life, make a calculated inventory of my weaknesses, and in a clean sweep, make them all go away, so that I can live the rest of my years in a state of perfection, kind of like Enoch you know. Slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean.

It's hard for me to have grace for the process, whether it's for myself or for J.May, or for anyone else really. It's so much easier to be absolutely black and white, impatient and legalistic. But I'm realizing that, apart from a few miraculous and instantaneous moments of breakthrough, which are wonderful and I would like more of, most of the work of the Lord in our lives is a process. The problem comes not that He is unfaithful to continue the work of sanctification, but when we grow weary in well doing and in perseverance, and we slip back into our old patterns. We give up on the process because we're looking for some arrival point. But when the destination becomes the city whose Builder and Maker is God instead of an arbitrary point where our spiritual and emotional maturity reach a high point, that's when we can really relax and trust Him.

For me, the challenge is not simply to let the Lord love me, but to let Him take His time. To learn to be patient with myself at my own weaknesses while He goes room by room as a Master Craftsman restoring the brokenness. To not give up when He opens a closet and I see all the clutter inside, or works on the wall to discover 3 layers of ugly wallpaper. To trust Him when He has to take the axe to 37 trees in my garden that have become a nuisance. And when I look back over the last 7 months and look at the progress we've made in this house, (and also see the mess of our hall bathroom) I'm reminded that in time, I'll look back upon myself right now, and see all the glimmers of my own personal restoration.