He Heard Me...

10 Sep 2008 Posted by joannareyburnmay in Favorite Musings, Choose Life, Prodigal

Sometimes there are moments in life where I feel so lost. Now is one of those moments. It's not a hopeless lost, just more of a disoriented wandering where you wake up one morning and go, "Where am I and how did I get here? And where do I even want to be?" It's a moment similar to how I imagine the prodigal son in a field of, well pig manure, in that moment where Luke describes him "coming to his senses." I have come to my own epiphany moment. Maybe the pig-shit analogy is a bit dramatic, but I am looking at where I'm at and recognizing that I'm just not where I want to be right now.

Many times for me it's the little things that throw off my spiritual equilibrium. Things like allowing my work load, scheduling woes or my own lethargy to rob me of my spiritual disciplines; silent and soaking prayer, reading my Bible, journaling or an hour on the piano. Before I know it, I'm gorging my soul while my spirit starves. I stay up late, watch movies, aimlessly hang out, sleep in, listen to really depressing mixes on my iPod, get in other people's business, become sharp and cynical, and innocently enough a downward spiral has begun that leads to any number of increasingly depraved vices. I was talking with a friend the other day about what a bad place they were in, and what to do and how to get out of it, and I realized something: a "bad" place is one choice away from a "good" place.

So he got up and went to his father. Luke 15:20

Now I'm sure that process wasn't easy. Maybe he had to pay off a debt to his employer. Did he put in two-weeks notice? How far from home was he really, are we talking the next county or country? Did he hitch-hike? Maybe he wasn't in good health, I mean he had been working with pigs. What happened to his addiction to "pig pods." So many factors involved here. Was there a 12-step process, who was his accountability? I have any number of questions about how this all happened, but Luke doesn't really give me any help. Why did Luke, and the Holy Spirit allow the description to be so simplistic?

This is has been a crazy year for me. I am trying to process all the pieces of various relational chaos, my own uncertain future, financial instability where I'm fighting just to stay above water, family medical emergencies, ministry ambiguity, and looking for community and accountability in a bubble that can make me feel so isolated, and today I woke up going "AH! Where am I and what am I doing?" Even more frustrating, people around me that I have known and loved seem to be finding themselves in situations of veritable pig-shit, but as I've been praying about what to say and what to do, the Lord spoke to me about the power of one choice; coming home to the Father.

I'm learning that I need to do this every day. Whether it's waking up earlier, constraining my desires, repenting [again], curbing my tongue, setting aside a little time, it's as simple as coming home. For me, the thought of making one choice versus 37 lifestyle adjustments seem more manageable, more doable, more relational. If it's just about being with Papa, I can do this.

The bottom line is, I don't want to be with my "disciplines." I don't want to share a cup of tea with them, and curl up in a ball on the floor and cry. I don't want to pour out my heart to an excel sheet of 15-minute increments. But remembering that this journey isn't all that complicated. It all boils down to coming back to the Father without disqualifying myself, trying to barter for acceptance, and just letting Him love me and bring me in. I can do this, and so can you.

Let me leave you with the soundtrack that I've been playing. I think it's pretty fitting. Andrea Carr's He Heard You from the Choose LIFE cd.

So he got up and went to his father. Luke 15:20

Let me leave you with the soundtrack that I've been playing. I think it's pretty fitting. Andrea Carr's He Heard You from the Choose LIFE cd.

Comments

RaphaelThu, 09/18/2008 - 3:56pm

resting in trusting our Father

Shalom Joanna!
Wow! Thanx so much for posting this and encouraging us to come home. I wonder if there is anyone who cannot identify with having experienced such lonely desert moments of beeing assaulted by desparation and depression - sounds bad, but I guess that's what it is ;-) I had soooo many of these moments - but by the grace of God as I am learning more and more to fix my eyes on Jesus and the Fathers love revealed in Him, I begin discovering that He wants to enable me to turn these solitude moments into precious encounters with His heart of God. You are so right - its all about "coming home to the Father"!

Here I found some words by people who were given a bit more grace then me to put such stuff in such words ;-) - I guess you already know all that, but for anyone finding him- or herself in a similiar situation (and apparently we all do from time to time) these words me be of some help, encouragement and comfort ...

Thomas Merton wrote in his "Thoughts in Solitude":
"This, then, is our desert: to live facing despair, but not to consent. To trample it down under hope in the Cross. To wage war against despair unceasingly. The war is our wilderness. If we wage it courageously, we will find Chist at our side. If we cannot face it, we will never find Him."

and Henri Nouwen in "The Way of the Heart":
"Solitude is the place of the great struggle and the great encounter - the struggle against the compulsions of the false self, and the encounter with the loving God who offers himself as the substance of the new self. ...
It is the struggle to die to the false self. But this struggle is far, far beyond our own strenght. Anyone who wants to fight his demons with his own weapons is a fool. The wisdom of the desert is that the confrontation with our own frightening nothingness forces us to surrender ourselves totally and unconditionally to the Lord Jesus Christ. Alone, we cannot face 'the mystery of iniquity' with impunity. Only Christ can overcome the powers of evil. Only in and through him can we survive the trials of our solitude. ... Only in the context of the great encounter with Jesus Christ himself can a real authentic struggle take place. The encounter with Christ does not take place before, after, or beyond the struggle with our false self and its demons. No, it is precisely in the midst of this struggle. that our Lord comes to us and says, as he said to the old man in the story: 'As soon as you turned to me again, you see I was beside you.'
We enter into solitude first of all to meet our Lord and to be with him and him alone. Our primary task in solitude, therefore, is not to pay undue attention to the many faces which assail us, but to keep the eyes of our mind and heart on him who is our divine savior. Only in the context of grace can we face our sin; only in the place of healing do we dare to show our wounds; only with a single-minded attention to Christ can we give up our clinging fears and face our own true nature. As we come to realize that it is not we who live, but Christ who lives in us, that he is our true self, we can slowly let our compulsions melt away and begin to experience the freedom of the children of God. And then we can look back with a smile and realize that we aren't even angry or greedy any more."

here the author's useful advice which you mentioned too ;-)
"We have, indeed, to fashion our own desert where we can withdraw every day, shake off our compulsions, and dwell in the gentle healing presence of our Lord."

and also from the same book:
"The prayer of the heart is indeed the way to the purity of heart that gives us eyes to see the reality of our existence. This purity of heart allows us to see more clearly, not only our own needy, distored, and anxious self but also the caring face of our compassionte God. When that vision remains clear and sharp, it will be possible to move into the midst of a tumultuous world with a heart at rest. It is this restful heart that will attract those who are groping to find their way through life. When we have found our rest in God we can do nothing other than minister. God's rest will be visible wherever we go and whoever we meet. And before we speak any words, the Spirit of God, praying in us, will make his presence known and gather people into a new body, the body of Christ himself." ...

... you wrote "looking for community and accountability in a bubble that can make me feel so isolated" - that's exactly what I was meditating and seeking God about during the last days too - for example I read some stuff about the ancient celtic communities - wow! I'm so thankful that we have the privilege of living in a time were our Father is again about to restore this all over the world and definitely till the return of Jesus it will be restored in an even greater way then we could ever imagine! ... looking forward to that ... :-)

Maraike from GermanyWed, 09/17/2008 - 4:45pm

the father

thank you, this is how I sometimes feel too, thank you for being open, and i love the revelation of the father, too,what I always wanted to say: this webpage is so nice artitistic and also anointed,...be encouraged, and we will meet one day in eternity...

AnnieThu, 09/11/2008 - 5:01pm