Here's My Cup, my long-awaited (by my husband) recording project is set to release on iTunes and Amazon mp3 on Valentine's Day - Monday, February 14, 2011. What a great day right? It's the perfect day for an album like this, which is really about letting Jesus love on you. If you're more into a actual CD, do not fear, they are following just days later so you won't have to wait too long. I did spent a lot of time designing it, and I think you'll like it.

A while back, I created this album teaser below - this was made before the album was done and is a little rough, but the finished product is much more, well, finished. This does give you an idea of what the album will be like. It's 50 minutes of long-play devotional worship, a few tracks are 10-minutes long with violin, flute, and a band, and such. I even pray on the album. It's no Laura Woodley Osman Prayer, and I was so so nervous in the studio prayer, but I did it! Hopefully now it will just become more and more second nature.

It's a scary thing to go out on a limb like this, releasing an album after years and years of waiting. I can't believe it's almost out! After giving my music away for a while, I hope you won't mind if I put a price tag on this one to cover some costs, and hopefully create a little cushion for the next album. This project wouldn't be financially possible for me at all were it not for David and Joy Z - an amazing couple came to a devo of mine in the prayer room during the 10-year anniversary. The Lord spoke to them about funding my first cd. And it was such a God thing, I can't even express to you the scope of it. They are the real deal, and have covered me in prayer, and called forth destiny in my heart.

Ah but this is getting long-winded, and I never intended for that to be the case, so check out this preview, share with friends that may be blessed by this sort of thing, and I hope to see you on iTunes on Valentine's Day and let Jesus sing over you of His love and affection.

On a Mobile Device? Click Here to Play the album teaser.

I went out to our backyard today with the puppies and took a look at our yard. If you've ever seen the movie, Secret Garden, then you can imagine what it looks like - it's the "before" shot. We moved into our house over 7 months ago - just days before our wedding (something I don't recommend to couples) and realized very soon that our house had been vacant for some time. Turns out, it was around 18 months.

The Friday we walked in, there was a green film of mold on almost everything, it was musty, dusty and humid. The outside wasn't much better. If you drive by, you can still see that our house has an animal print paint job, with patches here and there. Our acre yard was positively overgrown with all sorts of trees, bushes, weeds, ivy, and grape vines. There were frightening out-buildings, and penned enclosures on each side, and a few of the trees had died and looked like corpses standing in the yard. Our gutters leaked, flooding our basement with 7 inches of water in the first rainstorm.

We spent much of the summer trying to get this house in shape. Tearing down 6-foot fences, hauling out an old trailer, burning brush and a rotten wood pile, clearing out railroad ties along the fence (how Jason and our puppy discovered the yellow jackets). We scaled the roof, replaced appliances, and a toilet, removed layers of wallpaper, patched and painted walls, pulled up carpeting, and removed cupboards. We learned a little about plumbing and carpentry, stain removal and upholstery, painting and refinishing. About enough to get us in some serious trouble.

Some days our house looks pretty good, in a certain light, but sometimes the cleaning and renovation just makes a bigger mess for the time being (like what I've currently done to our hall bathroom).

But working on this, our very own house, has given me such a greater appreciation for the necessity of the progression of time to bring about change. It just doesn't happen overnight. I see it's application not just in our house and our yard, but in my life too. Sometimes I feel like my internal development and this house are running parallel.

Being married has brought about a whole slew of new "things" I have to deal with in my heart. Some good things, innumerable not-so-good. I knew that would be the case, but we were so stressed leading up to our wedding, it was easy to look to that date, May 1, as the day that would make everything in our lives finally land in perfect harmony. We didn't realize that it would be the day we had to really start working for it.

I so wanted to be the perfect wife, with the perfect heart responses at all times, proficient in cooking and cleaning, kind and compassionate, angelic really. I tell J, I had these expectations that we'd spend our evenings before a roaring fire playing chess, or reading aloud some classic literature and the Bible. That we'd get up early and watch the sun rise, have matching tool belts and twin drills to renovate our house together at every opportunity, work together to hone our cooking skills. We'd mature into these well-rounded people basically overnight. In our perfect house, where there lives a perfect couple, who are individually perfect people. Surprisingly, it hasn't happened quite like that.

I am pretty impatient. I've prayed that the Lord would help me be that Proverbs 31 woman that all of us are supposed to be on Day 1 of marriage. I wanted the Lord to look at my life, make a calculated inventory of my weaknesses, and in a clean sweep, make them all go away, so that I can live the rest of my years in a state of perfection, kind of like Enoch you know. Slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean.

It's hard for me to have grace for the process, whether it's for myself or for J.May, or for anyone else really. It's so much easier to be absolutely black and white, impatient and legalistic. But I'm realizing that, apart from a few miraculous and instantaneous moments of breakthrough, which are wonderful and I would like more of, most of the work of the Lord in our lives is a process. The problem comes not that He is unfaithful to continue the work of sanctification, but when we grow weary in well doing and in perseverance, and we slip back into our old patterns. We give up on the process because we're looking for some arrival point. But when the destination becomes the city whose Builder and Maker is God instead of an arbitrary point where our spiritual and emotional maturity reach a high point, that's when we can really relax and trust Him.

For me, the challenge is not simply to let the Lord love me, but to let Him take His time. To learn to be patient with myself at my own weaknesses while He goes room by room as a Master Craftsman restoring the brokenness. To not give up when He opens a closet and I see all the clutter inside, or works on the wall to discover 3 layers of ugly wallpaper. To trust Him when He has to take the axe to 37 trees in my garden that have become a nuisance. And when I look back over the last 7 months and look at the progress we've made in this house, (and also see the mess of our hall bathroom) I'm reminded that in time, I'll look back upon myself right now, and see all the glimmers of my own personal restoration.

I was in a meeting the other day where there was altar ministry that sounded like "More Lord!!!! We aren't satisfied, we must have more!!!" It was tenacious, it was persistent, and almost militant, and I was just irritated. I wish I could tell you that I have a clear, audible word-of-the-Lord about the situation, but I don't. I do have some impressions, thoughts and questions that weigh heavy on my heart and I've got to share them.

The Lord said that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3) that's past tense, that we have every spiritual blessings in Christ (Ephesians 1:3) and that He will supply all our future needs according to His glory (Philippians 4:19). He also said that we are seated with Him in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6) and are complete in Him. (Colossians 2:10).

Jesus said that if anyone asks, they will receive (Matthew 7:7). That if anyone is thirsty, ask for a drink and He will give living waters (John 7:37-39, Revelation 22:17) and that if anyone wants to come, you must believe that He really will open up His heart. (Hebrews 11:6)

Then why do we pray and minister corporately like we do? I feel like the church at large is still talking to the Lord like He's angry and withholding, that you have to arm-wrestle Him just to get a morsel. Many prayer meetings feel like we're trying to grab God and shake "it" out of Him - whatever "it" is that we're praying for.

Many people at this point would refer to the parable of the "persistent widow" in Luke 18 to contextualize this type of "We-aren't-Satisfied" prayer, but I have mixed feelings about that one too. I am convinced that the parable of the persistent widow is a contrast, not a comparison. Jesus was not comparing the Father to that unjust judge. He is not suggesting that the way that widow approached the judge is an example for the way we should approach the Father. It is not a new prayer strategy or intercession model. He's saying, "HOW DIFFERENT is our Father! Will He not bring about justice for His chosen ones?! We get to relate to Him so differently!"

Besides, the context of this parable is the question: “When will the Kingdom come?” We have one very safe prayer: Come Lord Jesus. We can pray that prayer unceasingly with boldness and confidence knowing that we are in perfect agreement with His heart when we say "Come." In this confidence and love, we can be persistent without being insolent. So why do we keep coming to God like He's the unjust judge we have to pester?

When it comes to revival prayer, for praying for the release of the manifestations of the Lord's heart in signs, wonders, healing, deliverance, outpouring of presence, love and power, it's not usually the Lord that's getting in the way, it's us. WE are the ones in the way. We could all do with a little less "send more Lord" and a little more "I receive what you've provided."

So many times I feel like we blame shift responsibility to the Lord when it's really our responsibility. We act like if He doesn't want to come, then we're not getting anything and it's all His fault. We then are "barren" because God isn't doing something, not because we are in compromise or simply not receiving or spending time with Him. It's so much easier when it's all wonderfully Calvinistically His fault.

From what I've noticed throughout history, the prayer of the revivalists isn't just asking God for more externally, no, they are asking God for help to receive internally. This is best summarized in the prayer of Evan Roberts, the Welsh revivalist, “Oh, Lord, bend us!”

We see this in the New Testament all the time. Paul didn't exhort the church of Ephesus by crying out to God for a change in the atmosphere, he spoke to the Ephesians calling them into the knowledge of Jesus. Let me illustrate with a parody of sorts, imagine if Ephesians 1 started with

"Oh God, the church in Ephesus needs more! They are not satisfied, they must have more! Now God, don't withhold yourself! Rend the heavens God, rend them over Ephesus right now God. Do what only you can do."

How weird would that have been.

Now I feel like I need to put a little disclaimer in here: I don't think that type of prayer is necessarily bad when it's in the right context, for example if you are having a time of intercession over a region. In that situation, you are agreeing with the heart of Jesus, or other believers for a spiritual shift in heavenly realms of authority, like the displacing of the Prince of Persia in the book of Daniel (Daniel 10:13-23) - but that is not the Pauline example of ministry to believers.

What Paul did in Ephesians 1, and all of his letters of exhortation to churches, and a great example of how to minister to believers even today, is to speak the truth of God to their spirits calling them into the recognition of the finished work of the cross, a full reliance on the blood of Jesus, inviting them to the place of receiving, the casting down lies and misconceptions about God, and coming into specific agreement with the plans and purposes of God.

A breakdown of Ephesians 1

1. Jesus Christ has blessed us with every spiritual blessing.
2. You are chosen by Him.
3. Because of Him, you are holy and blameless in his sight.
4. It is His pleasure and will that you walk in sonship.
5. In Him you have redemption, forgiveness, and inclusion into the mystery of God.
6. Did I say you were chosen?
7. You have been sealed by the Holy Spirit
8. You will know his hope, riches, glory and power.


I would LOVE to see more ministry-to-believers time at the altars looking more like that and less like "AHHH, we don't have enough!" I'd love to hear your thoughts too.

Blessings,

Right now, I'm out in California in a dorm room as I'm spending time with some kindred spirits before we begin a rather intense conference in the Pasadena area. For two days, I have been with friends (and moms) tackling the deep things of the human heart in relationships, betrayal, love, marriage, trust, family and future over lunch and pedicures. By now, I am what can best be described as emotionally wasted. And then tonight, my boyfriend calls to break up with me. "Our ministries [sorry, correction, apparently he said "callings." He wanted me to clarify. See disclaimer in comments.] are going in different directions... I think we have different theology... I hope I didn't ruin your weekend." Yep, you did. In the midst of feeling rather, well devastated, I am thinking about all that my friends and I have been talking about this weekend: How to live with an open heart.

In the past few months, you may have noticed that I've taken a few theology classes with Stephen Venable at the IHOPU. In sequential order: Mystical Life of Communion, Christology, Introduction to Biblical Doctrine, and Gospels and the Life of Christ. (I really recommend Stephen's classes, some of which you can watch online from IHOP.) In some ways, I feel like I've been meeting Jesus for the first time all over again.

When one begins to look at Jesus, not Christianity, not eschatology or theology, not the Pauline Epistles or the Torah, but Jesus, the Person, His life, His story, His emotions, His journey, you begin to see the disparity between the the supremacy Jesus, and everything else. I just keep thinking about that passage, "That in all things, He might have the preeminence." What does it mean when Jesus the Person has the first place in EVERYTHING? One of the things I love about this new Jesus I am meeting, (the real one whose acquaintance is based on His terms, not my stereotypes), is how He lived so fully and completely alive.

I've been meditating on Jesus in the midst of overwhelming emotions. I'm trying to learn what it means to give Him that first place; how to walk that out. I'm learning that with Jesus, there were no hindrances to the depth of His emotions, no self-defense walls, or self-preservation tactics. In this Jesus, we see how He takes on our frame, but in a way that we cannot conceive. He lives without all the blockages we associate with the human experience. Jesus radically redefines what being "human" really is.

Jesus, fully God and fully Man. The very image of the invisible God, manifested the Father loving fully and without restraint. He was without a doubt the most approachable Man ever. Learned scribes, pagan centurions, lepers, fisherman, prostitutes, wise men and children came to Him freely, confident they would be received. And when they were sent away by anyone else, this Jesus pursued them.

The pains of rejection cut to His very heart. He was moved - in groaning and longing - with compassion without embarrassment or shame. He openly wept, for Israel, for His disciples, and for His friends experiencing the agony of the death of Lazarus without fear of being "emotional." In righteous indignation He fashioned a whip and purged His Father's house.

He never worried about what people thought. He didn't have to. He didn't protect His reputation, He didn't defend Himself from the local rumor mill about His birth or His eating and drinking. He didn't push away friends He knew would leave Him alone in His final hours, instead He opened His heart fully, inviting them in to the longings of His heart at the last supper, showing immense vulnerability to a man who would deny Him, and agonizing before the Lord in their presence with tears like drops of blood. I could go on and on. Like that song by Jon Thurlow, "There's never been a Man that's so alive." A God-Man that was not afraid to experience the full spectrum of emotions, and by so placing His seal of Divine approval - sanctifying them forever.

And this is the one I have been united to in death, and raised in eternal life - one with this Man. This is what I am being transformed into, from glory to glory. Am I prepared to live so fully alive?

So here I sit, getting ready to go to bed with a bit of heaviness. and I go through a little "Living with an Open Heart" exercise:

1. What am I feeling? "A dull throb in my chest, and a tear slipping down my cheek. Again."

2. What am I smelling? "Nothing, my nose is clogged."

3. What am I tasting? "Salt"

4. What am I hearing? "Jesus, Broken, Poured out for Sinners..."

5. What am I seeing? "The glow of my laptop screen and a day in the distance when I won't feel quite like this."

But I am feeling, and my heart is opening and learning to feel without fear. And I ask that I may see the Jesus who wept when He heard of the death of Lazarus, and knew of the grief of Mary and Martha weeping for me now in my own trivial-it-may-be sorrow. And day by day and choice by choice I am transformed into His likeness. This Man, so alive has ushered in the era of the new humanity in which we are set free to be just like Him.

Update:I don't think my husband will ever let me live down that I blogged about one of our breakups. Blogged.

Sometimes there are moments in life where I feel so lost. Now is one of those moments. It's not a hopeless lost, just more of a disoriented wandering where you wake up one morning and go, "Where am I and how did I get here? And where do I even want to be?" It's a moment similar to how I imagine the prodigal son in a field of, well pig manure, in that moment where Luke describes him "coming to his senses." I have come to my own epiphany moment. Maybe the pig-shit analogy is a bit dramatic, but I am looking at where I'm at and recognizing that I'm just not where I want to be right now.

Many times for me it's the little things that throw off my spiritual equilibrium. Things like allowing my work load, scheduling woes or my own lethargy to rob me of my spiritual disciplines; silent and soaking prayer, reading my Bible, journaling or an hour on the piano. Before I know it, I'm gorging my soul while my spirit starves. I stay up late, watch movies, aimlessly hang out, sleep in, listen to really depressing mixes on my iPod, get in other people's business, become sharp and cynical, and innocently enough a downward spiral has begun that leads to any number of increasingly depraved vices. I was talking with a friend the other day about what a bad place they were in, and what to do and how to get out of it, and I realized something: a "bad" place is one choice away from a "good" place.

So he got up and went to his father. Luke 15:20

Now I'm sure that process wasn't easy. Maybe he had to pay off a debt to his employer. Did he put in two-weeks notice? How far from home was he really, are we talking the next county or country? Did he hitch-hike? Maybe he wasn't in good health, I mean he had been working with pigs. What happened to his addiction to "pig pods." So many factors involved here. Was there a 12-step process, who was his accountability? I have any number of questions about how this all happened, but Luke doesn't really give me any help. Why did Luke, and the Holy Spirit allow the description to be so simplistic?

This is has been a crazy year for me. I am trying to process all the pieces of various relational chaos, my own uncertain future, financial instability where I'm fighting just to stay above water, family medical emergencies, ministry ambiguity, and looking for community and accountability in a bubble that can make me feel so isolated, and today I woke up going "AH! Where am I and what am I doing?" Even more frustrating, people around me that I have known and loved seem to be finding themselves in situations of veritable pig-shit, but as I've been praying about what to say and what to do, the Lord spoke to me about the power of one choice; coming home to the Father.

I'm learning that I need to do this every day. Whether it's waking up earlier, constraining my desires, repenting [again], curbing my tongue, setting aside a little time, it's as simple as coming home. For me, the thought of making one choice versus 37 lifestyle adjustments seem more manageable, more doable, more relational. If it's just about being with Papa, I can do this.

The bottom line is, I don't want to be with my "disciplines." I don't want to share a cup of tea with them, and curl up in a ball on the floor and cry. I don't want to pour out my heart to an excel sheet of 15-minute increments. But remembering that this journey isn't all that complicated. It all boils down to coming back to the Father without disqualifying myself, trying to barter for acceptance, and just letting Him love me and bring me in. I can do this, and so can you.

Let me leave you with the soundtrack that I've been playing. I think it's pretty fitting. Andrea Carr's He Heard You from the Choose LIFE cd.

I've missed it again. He spoke, and I didn't listen, again. I blew my top; lost my temper; stepped into anxiety, provided for myself, stirred up contention, wallowed in elitism, the list goes on. (I had to battle my pride simply to create and publish such said list) and on the side, I battle perfectionism.

You see, I've been reading testimonies of my favorite missionaries, foxes book of martyrs, listening to the prophetic words regarding our generation. I've watched the aftermath of natural disasters on the news and prayed for the release of signs and wonders.I've missed it again. He spoke, and I didn't listen, again. I blew my top; lost my temper; stepped into anxiety, provided for myself, stirred up contention, wallowed in elitism, the list goes on. (I had to battle my pride simply to create and publish such said list) and on the side, I battle perfectionism.

You see, I've been reading testimonies of my favorite missionaries, foxes book of martyrs, listening to the prophetic words regarding our generation. I've watched the aftermath of natural disasters on the news and prayed for the release of signs and wonders. I've found myself at the foot of The Mountain (heb12) and at the moment, I'm slightly overwhelmed that there is still so far for me to go. I've heard firsthand accounts of supernatural provision, healings, signs and wonders. I listen to the promise and availability of walking in communion with God. The desire of my heart is to be sensitive to His Spirit: "He who has ears, let him hear what the Spirit is saying." I want to be one of those. I want to stretch out my hand, I want to sing the true song of the Lord, I want to be a secret-keeper; and a REAL intercessor. But I struggle to maintain my weak simple prayer life. I try and read my ten chapters a day. I have so far to go. I'm only at the foot of the mountain, and the presence is at the top.

One thing I am realizing is that I could be happy with what I've got. Many people would consider me "prophetic" or at least "anointed" (whatever these terms have come to mean). I could market myself probably quite convincingly to a mega-church somewhere, a ministry, or even better build my own. I could write some book, make another cd, do the conference "circuit" From this very day, I could never crack open The Book again, never Listen again, never Groan & Weep; never Prophecy, and I would probably "get by" just fine. You may not even notice; scarier still neither may I.

Matthew 6:21 "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. 22 Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' 23 And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'

Matthew 6:48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

So I stand now somewhere in the middle. Somewhere between the dying and rebirth. Hanging in the balance between wrestling with this old man, and longing to be with Him where He is. Yet I know that what I'm walking through right now is all apart of the plan. He knows. I HAVE to believe; it's the substance I'm holding onto when I can't see anything else.

On days when I feel like I've failed, again; when I feel totally disqualified from the call of God, I hold on. When I'm frustrated saying Where is the prophetic? Where are the songbirds? Why do we insist on filling the silence with our models and formats and little "ditties," I hold on. When the marketing of my faith has me searching for my whip to clean the temple, and leaves me disillusioned in ministries, organization, and men; I hold on. When I long to be and do that which I was MADE for, and I feel like I'm just wasting time until it comes around, when I cannot meet my personal expectations for myself, I hold on. When I feel stripped of my loves, my friends, my influence; when no one seems to appreciate or validate me, when I look for fruit in my own life and come up empty, when I'm so sick of chasing my tail, I hold on.

It's in the waiting; I KNOW He'll meet me there. It's in the waiting that I even have a chance to change. It's when I notice the silence and cease from filling the spaces with vain repetitions that I learn how to hear.